I'm a celebrity get me out of here!

On our first night in varkala we witnessed a stunning sunset from an open air bar in the main strip. Having not really cottoned on the regular local patterns thus far we forgot to bring out an essential peripheral navigating piss covered back streets at night during the daily powercut... A torch!

So, off we trotted down the perilous mud paths pathetically using my phone for luminesence. Practically unscathed we assumed we were safe. Just as it happens, we were led into our villa by one of the hotel staff using a super bright lantern, coinciding with the exact moment of the year when (what i could gather from later inspection when dead) the local termites grew wings and escaped their mounds to mate in the darkness. Within seconds of getting go our front door a swirling cyclone of fluttering wings and legs entwined into a kamikaze insect death squad buzzing into our ears and face. We made it through the front door only to slam it shut without power and a number of visitors finding their way inside. I found the whole scenario to be hilarious especially when niki, who has a phobia of all things winged and fluttery must have given off the scent of her fear to these creatures who took a liking to her in the dark. Squeaks and squawks ensued like a timid crane was being tickled and tortured at the same time. How i did lol. I managed to clear them out if the villa as well as sweeping four of them who had decided to commit suicide by plastering their wings onto the condensation of our water bottle. The local evil looking cat steadily feasted on the rest. Grim.

Varkala

On tuesday the very helpful Kurup at ashtamudi villas booked us into a lovely hotel in varkala. We got the bus after i spent an hour aimlessly running round the town in search of an atm that takes visa. It seems any bank with the word 'india' in its name doesnt accept it.

The bus wasnt too daft. It was busy, bumpy and sped along the narrow roads tooting its horn like a testoterone-high bull elephant rampaging through the jungle. It was a lot of fun and the fellow passengers came to our assistance when we quite clearly didnt know where to alight the bus. Varkala beach is an idyllic travellers spot. Brightly coloured, modern and cheap hotels and home stays, a myriad of restaurants dotting the cliff all serving the same multi national cuisine, a natural and untainted beach surrounded by cliffs and bathed in sunshine. This sort of place isnt why we came to india but i really enjoyed the relaxation and much needed beach time.

We stayed in a little villa on the signature residence campus. 600 rupees a night was a steal. Met some really nice people staying in the adjacent villas, two indian guys (kuldeep and vijay) both living in canada and vijay having a really strong canadian accent. He was a bit of a casanova and was doing sone serious spadework with barbara next door; a german lady who was also very kind and gave us some good info for our travels.

The food in varkala was good if tourist friendly. I never expected to see russian food on the menus, apparently the ruskies are taking over these parts. Hopefully theyll get more drunk than the brits to balance out the share of international stereotype. We had sone great seafood. Really great; marlin, baracuda and the crab was out if this world. The bars were great to catch the sunset each evening.

Our last night was spoilt however by an absolute abortion of a meal at a place called bohemian masala. A little retreat away from the main drag, all style no substance. It took an hour and a half for them to serve us a fish thali consisting of cold vegetable curries and a fish head in coconut curry. Juxtaposed to that we had a fantastic veg thali at a little caff on the front washed down with lemon soda, ginger and honey for niki and a coconut lassi for me.

Real keralan cuisine

The lunch we enjoyed on the house boat has to be up there with my favourite indian meals of all time, if not my overall favourites of all time.

The chef on board cooked up a feast of epic proportions and not one piece of land animal in sight. There was a general theme running through the dishes; freshly grated coconut flesh, cocunut oil, curry leaves, mustard seeds and a number of really delicate spices i found hard to pin point. We had sweet and nutty beetroot, soft okra, diced cabbage, tiny keralan cucumbers with tons of garlic and caramelised onions, miniature little fish dry fried in spices, a thick and sumptuous dhal, rice, poppadoms, chapati and to top it off two fresh whole river fish marinated and deep fried in coconut oil.

Now if you're not hungry after reading all that then you must have an eating disorder. I'm salivating writing about it. It was a truly inspiring meal and i've been dreaming up recipies for when i get back.

Messing about on the water

After 3 days of deliberation and price finding via our host joseph (everyone seems to have a quaint biblical nickname round these parts) we took a house boat for a 24 hour trip to check out the back waters. It's quite unlike anywhere else, narrow little back passages (ooh matron) opening out into bowling green-smooth lakes and back into networks of half man made half natural canals. All the meantime witnessing real life, both human and of the natural world. People prepping fishing boats with coconut rope, eagles soaring and swooping down to catch tiny fish at the water's surface.

We stopped and took a punted canoe ride through villages and prawn farms, down waterways only a few feet wide. Our guide showed us all the local food simply growing wild; ginger, mangoes, jackfruit, clove bushes, pepper corns, coconuts, pineapples. A local family also showed us how they make rope from coconut husks. Not that useful a skill to take back to the uk but we took the sample rope they made and its done us proud in the form of a travel washing line. Skills, backwater peeps.

Overnight things went a little downhill. The room just felt damp and there was a serious number of foreign bodies circling the lights. The lunch we had on the trip was absolutely out of this world and deserves its own post so that's coming up next folks. Hope you're still awake.

India coffee house

We braved the streets of kollam on sunday and headed to the famous cooperative cafe the india coffee house. The reception was a little frosty but the food was cheap tasty and hot. Another round of poori masala for me and a tomato omelete for niki. The coffee came in small cups but was strong and sweet and made a nice change to the usual chai caffeine fix. Proper caff vibes indian style.

Ashtamudi

Landing in kollam was a bit of a shock to the system after the calm of the train. Out of the wrong exit and onto the busiest street i have witnessed. It was like thousands of cars, trucks, rickshaws and bikes were fired out of a gigantic sawn off shotgun in each direction. Bollocks to this.... Into a rickshaw and straight to the tourist office. The helpful if a little morbid and vacant lady at the office did us a great favour... We checked into a stunning and quaint little bungalow on the waters edge called ashtamudi villas. We also managed to get a bargain as it was quiet. Over the next few days we were treated to river-wide non-safety assessed fireworks display for st. sebastian as part of a local christian festival. We also just relaxed by the lake in hammocks for a few days. Bliss.

Train to kollam (quilon)

We booked tickets and arrived very early for our train to kollam today. 2 hours on the platform and it was so hot it was like my brains were being slowcooked in my skull. And all i could think about was the chilled monkey brains fron indiana jones and the temple of doom. Ahh chilled brains. The train was fine once we cooled down and the cockroaches took shelter. We had air con and sat in airline seats. Numerous sellers of chai, coffee and snacks whizzed past every half minute with their own unique repetitive sales meme. 'chai chai chai', 'coff eh coff eh coff eh', biryani biryani biryaaaaan eh'. At first it was like chinese water torture but soon became a soothing steady stream of calm. The chai was very good as well. 5p a pop. I could stay on this train forever.

Mosquitoes 126 - 0 me

A friend told me to get some deet for india. I did and decided that being from yorkshire, i wouldnt need it. Fail. My feet now look and feel as though a gaggle of thirsty mosquitoes gourged on my blood, and, drunk on it they decided to write 'fuck you british homo lol' in brail across them.

Acid kool aid test

Im reading the acid kool aid test on my trip for a bit of reality check now and then (joke lol). Anyway we're in loafers corner and this old hippy dude comes in with his hair all tied up and shit catcher trousers on (which yours truly is now an owner of. Not his, i bought a new pair and i look a dick but at least my legs aren't melting anymore.). He must be about 60 but looks more like 100 in wizard years. He stares over at me and say says in an australian drawl 'i read that book 40 years ago mate'. 'i bet you did', i thought. Along with all the acid to boot. Fairest of plays bruv.

Boe! Selecta india!

Avid merrion would be proud!

Hmm nice fish masala shame i didnt see the bogs first

Im not gonna post the pic of the mucky loilet roll on the window sill as i just heaved whilst looking at it...

Kochi scran

Kochi is hot and what heat: 32 degrees and the humidity of a boiling kettle. Aside from that we've had amusement in our first couple of days. The bazaar road down to jew town (yes thats what its called i'm not being racist) was great, with it's wholesale spice traders. The top of fort kochi is where its at though. We found a couple of decent places to eat; teapot on princess street, famous for its chai (naturally) and quaint collonial, trinket filled but airy space. i had steamed fish in coconut chutney which was immense. Niki's vege korma was pretty bland. Another place for simple but good food was loafers corner just above the tourist info office; purris with dhal and dosas with sambar and coconut chutney made a quality lunch. Not bad either for £1.20 a plate. Its a nicely renovated colonial inn of some sort with brushed wooden floors and lob sided upper floor. We also became regulars at a little chaat shop on the corner of kunnumparam junction deep fried banana, tasty samosas and delicate indian sweets. The prices changed each time we visited and haggling was quickly dismissed. Top chaat though.

Fort Kochi and the Chinese Fishing nets

After a quick sleep we got ourselves out of our place on jacob road and wandered up to the top of fort kochi to check out the fishing nets at sunset. What a glorious spectacle. Unfortunately i didnt get any pics on my phone of the nets but i took one of the stunning sunset out of the harbour. The nets are unbelievable, medieval like constructions spanning out into the sea like an orb weaving spider snaring its prey. Unfortunately these methods dont seem to be very bountiful. It looks like bloody hard work for such a small reward. Rspkt to tha fishermen. I'll post some more pics later from niki's camera.

Touchdown in Kochi

Emirates Airlines from london gatwick to kochi via dubai. Pretty pleasant in all honesty, even with the diazepam locked accidentally in the hold with our baggage. I managed to get through almost three movies and avoid 7 hours of little bundles of joy screaming at 120db to my left lug hole. Thank you sir richard emirates for putting individual entertainment systems on each seat. Drive - great movie; handsome actor, subtle delivery of lines and plenty of violence. Real steel - wow i cant honestly believe how the producer of this got any budget. It's like robot wars crossed with x factor usa only worse. Simon cowels presence would have improved it. A big year - thoroughly enjoyable to see steve martin on top form and even jack black didnt manage to piss me off. Nice way to end a flight. Nothing interesting to say about the food apart from that it was good. No mustard custard for dessert on this flight sir emirates. A delicate tuna salad and a heartly north indian style lamb curry. Full marks. Dubai airport. Thank god i was desperate for a starbucks and a chanel handbag. Did we honestly land in the middle east or did the pilot circle round the uk for 7 hours and touch down in heathrow? 2nd flight to kochi was pretty full on. Middle of the night but we were served breakfast early and before anyone could sleep. We both had south indian curried eggs with chapati. Eggs that were cooked within an inch of their existence. Either that or they must have accidentally found their way into the hadron collider before being served and turned into miniature neutron stars. Fair to say that meal made for some interesting dreams. In total probably about 5 seconds worth but it felt like a decade sat in that seat contorted and twisted, desperately trying to force myself into some form of subconsciousness whatever that may be. Damn, the diazes made their way straight through with the luggage. Boom! Touchdown in india. Ah this isnt so bad. No hassle leaving the airport, in fact it was difficult to get peoples attention. We managed to find our way onto an airconditioned bus with the indian tiff needell behind the wheel. Very easy and a lot of fun to get into central kochi. A caucophany of car horns and streams of yellow and black tut tuts flying past us like wheel bound wasps after 10 espressos. To my left i saw an open expanse of dirty water in which a old lady was doing her best impression of a dolphin scooping up whatever critters may be lurking on the muddy bottom. This place cant fail to put a smile on your face. We got to fort cochin in one piece and were fortunately dropped off by the bus right outside our digs. We must have looked a right state dropping off that final step, ice white, dripping with sweat and gazing around in a mixture of hope and frustration to find our b&b. But there it was! Right acroas the street in all its glory, a lovely little abode with super friendly owners, a cool inviting atrium and clean rooms. Phew we're here in one piece and its time for sleep, egg dreams optional.

Welcome to boellywood

Welcome to boellywood. This blog or travelogue or whatever isn't meant to be a self glorification tool however i do hope it provides some entertainment and amusement for whoever may read it. I'm assuming that will most likely be friends back home stuck in the snow working their jobs wishing they were here with me, MWWAHAHAHA. Well, maybe not with me but at least experiencing some of the delights that cross my path. For those poor souls that do chance upon this totally unique and marvellouslly original work of art then i am truly sorry. I can't promise the time you waste back. For those who are interested and do not know me this blog is about my 3 month trip through india with my girlfriend (or should i now call "wife". Thats what we told the rickshaw driver to avoid further questioning as i was more concerned about getting mown down into a crumpled wreck by 50 year old British (enger-laaaand) truck.). This blog will feature nice and minging pics along with a few anecdotes to tell the grandkids or friends (there's no copyright so feel free to use as your own). Posts will not be thought out but shot from the hip as it comes so expect rants, swearing, slepping and grammer mistakez as we go along,,, enjoy.